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Is there an INFJ in your life?

Is there an INFJ in your life?

By Donna Dunning

INFJ motto: “There’s more to it than meets the eye.”

I discovered an interesting theme when teaching MBTI® certifying workshops. A couple of participants, who had INFJ preferences, commented to me that they loved retreats where they could get away for a while to contemplate. I began asking other people with INFJ preferences about this and found many of them agreed. Several had gone on silent retreats, where they did not speak, some for extended periods of time.

How INFJs prefer to relate

Attending retreats aligns with the in-depth, conceptual, internal approach often used by individuals with INFJ preferences. People who prefer INFJ like to have quiet, uninterrupted time to conceptualize ideas and process connections. They tend to interact with others in a collaborative, supportive, affirming way, looking for connections and common ground. INFJs usually seek quality and depth in their relationships. They are most interested in ideas and concepts and may not pay as much attention to facts and details. Those preferring INFJ are often interested in complexity and like a challenge.

How to relate to an INFJ

Be sincere and genuine. Listen to and appreciate their insights. Share conceptual information and ideas with them. Offer new ideas and then provide time and opportunity for them to reflect. A person with INFJ preferences tends to process information deeply, so give them time alone to organize and integrate new ideas. Provide them with feedback as early as possible when working together on a project or making plans. Avoid listing many facts and details or focusing only on realities. This will seem limiting and stifling to people who prefer INFJ.

Visit the Visionaries personality type page for more information about INFJ preferences.

Share your experiences and insights

Do you have any other ideas, tips, or stories to share about interacting with people who have INFJ preferences?

Do you have INFJ preferences? Visit the Visionaries career success strategies and stories page to share your experience.

More information about communication and personality type can be found in Introduction to Type and Communication.

Resources

Want to learn more about personality type and how to use it to understand yourself and others?

Introduction to Type and Communication describes in detail how personality preferences influence communications.

Introduction to Type and Communication is now available in PDF format.

Introduction to Type and Learning can help you find your motivation for learning and help you learn more effectively.

If you live in the USA, Introduction to Type and Learning is also available on Kindle.

Looking for a practical resource to help you plan your ideal career? Check out my book, What’s Your Type of Career?: Find Your Perfect Career By Using Your Personality Type

Want to use your personality type to excel at your career? Check out 10 Career Essentials: Excel at Your Career by Using Your Personality Type

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 26th, 2011 at 10:50 am and is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

22 Responses to “Is there an INFJ in your life?”

  1. Cass says:

    Hi! My sister is an INFJ! At twenty, she seems to not know what she would like to do with her life. What advice, if any, do you have for her? Thanks!

  2. roni says:

    I am an INFP/INFJ (i think i have told you that before!), and the above decripton resonates with me. I have thought of silent retreats and would like to go on one; however, with the depth of my type and some current things I am processing, I do not want to be alone in such silence with my thoughts in unfamiliar surrounding too long at the moment, lol! I do need time alone daily, though, to think and reflect and sometimes write. I sometimes think I may ‘ruminate’, but maybe it is just the way my type thinks and processes and sees things broadly and deeply.

    I love reading your writings and communicating with you about such things. Thankyou.

  3. Donna Dunning says:

    Hi Roni, Thanks for your insights and kind words.

  4. Donna Dunning says:

    Hi Cass,

    Many people are still not clear about their career choices at twenty. There is lots of time for her to figure out what she wants to do. Generally INFJs enjoy learning, creating, organizing and applying ideas. They often like helping people develop and are usually most comfortable in an environment that supports and encourages people. If you look at the Visionary pages on this site you will see some sample occupations and more information about INFJ preferences.

    Of course, when your sister is planning her career she will also want to assess other aspects of herself, such as her interests, skills, values, and the kind of lifestyle she wants to live. She may enjoy reading through some of the blogs on these additional topics.

  5. lucy says:

    This fits for me. I test as INFJ / INTJ ; the change mostly resulting from whatever my predominant responsibilities are at the time. I had to laugh when you mentioned the problem with overload on details. Sometimes I can FEEL myself slipping away in the presence of too many details!! Thanks for a concise appraisal!!

  6. Santosh says:

    I am INFP , and can relate to most of the discussion

  7. Donna Dunning says:

    Thanks Lucy, I enjoyed your description of “slipping away in the presence of details”.

  8. Donna Dunning says:

    Hi Santosh,

    I can see how this would relate to you as well, since you share 3 of the 4 preferences. This series of posts will describe all 16 types, so keep watching for the INFP. Thanks for your comment.

  9. Renate says:

    I’m an INFJ and this article is one of the things where I want to reply – now that you mentioned it…

    I retreat while walking the dogs – where I can organize my thoughts, let go of them and find new ideas – I like to move (forward?) while doing that. I think about silent retreats when all the noise is too much, when too many people want too many things and tell me too much about everything.
    I find it difficult to focus when given too many details – so I could relate to that as well.
    it’s like listening to the radio and there is too much static noise – I find it hard to focus on the important things…

    Thanks for the new insights you’ve given me today….

  10. Donna Dunning says:

    Hi Renate,

    Walking your dogs sounds like a great way to spend time reflecting. As an added bonus, you get exercise, which is good for all types. Sometimes people who prefer Intuition can get lost in their head and forget to take care of their body. Thanks for sharing your insights.

  11. Christy says:

    I am largely an INFJ, so it was delicious to read your description above, liking sinking into something very comfortable and soothing. I’ve discovered that I love to go to church alone, so even if there’s talk and noise around me (I go to a very sociable church), I can be in my own cocoon of quietness–but then I also love going to my small women’s Bible study, where we sit around talking about deep biblical concepts for an hour and a half.

  12. Donna Dunning says:

    Hi Christy,

    Good point about finding peace by cocooning within a group. I imagine other Introverted types use this strategy as well. Thank you for sharing how you enjoy small group discussions. It demonstrates how INs often prefer to connect and share concepts.

  13. Parul says:

    Hi Donna,

    I am an INFJ and this description fits me to a T. I need to retreat/ withdraw from the outside from time to time and it has led to a lot of misunderstandings with friends and family. It is only recently that I have understood for myself, this need to get away.

    Thanks a lot for this article,

    Warmly.

  14. Donna Dunning says:

    Hi Parul, Thanks for your comment. This type difference can easily be misunderstood. My work with type has helped me learn to give my son and husband more time alone (I am an E and they are both Is).

  15. Eli says:

    Hello, I have preferences for INFJ. I have “Fit,” outwardly, the preferences for the type for the majority of my life, while still having quite a few oddities as far as the preference goes. First of all, I have a conflict between the sort of concept of a thing, and the “Practical application,” when presented with ideas. This was drilled into me by my ISTP father, for better and worse, mostly better. I also had an ESTJ mother. Because of my parents, I developed higher amounts of Ti (my tertiary process, as you well know) and Se (my “Inferior,” again, as you understand). I think this was the largest reason I consistently typed as an INTJ in high school, when I was first beginning to get into psychology as a field in general. I feel as if my intellect itself is higher because of the focus I put on learning and acquiring facts because of this, but I feel lacking in my natural preferences towards compassion and introversion. I mostly adapted to a more “Thinking,” mindset and used my extraverted functions more often because of the whole, “INFx preferenced people commonly get overlooked,” sort of thing. I am more known and recognized now, for my ideas and concepts and such, but I do feel a sort of constant stress from the interaction with people and the lack of true compassion I end up not letting shine through, that I used to merely 3 years ago.

    I understand the general advice of, “Just try to get more alone time and introspect about things,” and other general responses, but is there anything more specific you would give to this Ni/Fe-repressed INFJ who is now stuck in a position where he has to heavily use Ti and Se on a daily basis? As you said about us, I would love a retreat, but that really isn’t an option now. Also, I do love your site, but I do find the content being very light, and I find myself wishing a lot of it was quite a bit deeper. It is solid introductory material, but from what I have seen of your current published books, they do not seem much deeper, even though it is apparent to me you possess a lot of deeper information on the subject of type. Though, I am grateful for a type resource that doesn’t perpetuate a lot of the ignorant mentalities that still persist very heavily, but instead strives to correct them, and largely succeeds.

    Thanks for the good resource and I hope all is and will remain well with you 🙂

  16. Donna Dunning says:

    Hi Eli,

    Thank you for your rich description of the interaction between type preferences and environmental influences and the struggles to “be yourself” when you have learned to and have been expected to use your non-preferred functions. I think many people can relate to these struggles and are looking for ways to live a life aligned to their natural approach.

    You have very accurately described the focus of my site. My goal is to explain type concepts simply, yet accurately, so the valuable information and concepts are available to everyone. I provide general information and ideas for people to consider rather than individual coaching or counseling. In that vein of thought, I would suggest you consider your statement “stuck in a position” in an attempt to understand why you are stuck. Many INFJs also have found it helpful to create a long-term vision that aligns with their important values. Then they can create a plan to move forward. Working one-on-one with a skilled personality type practitioner may help you with this process.

  17. Ender says:

    Hi Donna,

    I’m 19 years old, and am an INFJ with probably more unique needs than most other INFJ’s. When I took the Myer’s Briggs test I scored as 100% Introverted and 100% Intuitive, 1% Feeling/Subjective and 3% Judging/Determined. My intuition is very strong and therefore I love to think, things become so clear to me when I get a chance to be alone. Good thing I’m 100% Introverted right? Wrong. My family and friends and co-workers love being around me so much, they openly express their disappointment when I leave, more commonly my family though. I think this is because of the common INFJ personality trait to be a wonderful people person, well actually I know it is, because I love people. I love people so much that the INFJ part of me who empathizes with people, is very, very strong. So quite often I neglect my NEED to be alone to sympathize with the people who I’m with and stay a little longer, and talk a little more. This denial of my 100% introversion cannot be fully expressed with the word “exhausting.” It is more like it is maddening, the more I give up for others (which happens very frequently) the more exhausted I get. And then, well like all people do, I crash. My anxiety peeks and I go into “rages”, where my anger does not stop for very long periods of time until I finally grow tired of being angry. It is a curse, and a gift to have this personality. As you can see above, the “FJ” part of my INFJ, is pretty much split down the middle with being Feeling/Subjective and Thinking/Objective, as well as Judging/Determined and Perceiving/Open-ended. I have a hard time differentiating which half “IN” or “FJ” is more frustrating. Because constantly, I mean all the time, I feel like there is a battle of multiple personalities fighting for dominance in my brain. Sound crazy? Well sometimes I do feel crazy. But logically speaking I know I’m not because in an actual “nut-case” a crazy person actually thinks they are normal. But on to the topic of needing to be by myself. I can think of a really good example for my need to be alone because I am currently experiencing it. A couple days ago my parents left for Louisiana for 14 days, because my mom is going down their for surgery, my brother just moved out, and I have been REALLY enjoying having the house all to myself while having completely uninterrupted thinking time. I have really been loving it. And then my brother came back this weekend because he needs to pick some more things up to take back to where he moved too, this is understandable, but still it really did agitate me because I have been loving this alone time so much. My brother is a very untidy person, and I am borderline OCD with cleanliness, combine that with interrupted “me-time” and you get anxiety. Well he just told me he will be coming back next weekend as well because he needs to come back because his girlfriend is here and wants to see her, and needs a place to sleep…with all honestly I don’t think I have ever yelled at my brother in my life, but when I tried to explain to him my need to be alone and he turned it down thinking it was “crazy to think that it is good for someone to spend so much time alone”…. to put it bluntly, I got very angry. Well I think I have vented quite enough, so Ill end this post with this. With my unique blend of “INFJ”, I could quite happily spend 2 weeks all to myself, and miss it when its gone.

  18. Donna Dunning says:

    Hi Ender, Thanks for sharing your story. Many people who prefer both I and F have a tug between wanting time alone and wanting to connect with/help others. Good for you for realizing this so early in life! Many INFJs have told me they great enjoy extended time alone; some have gone on silent/meditative retreats for several weeks and have found the experience to be very valuable for them.

  19. lizzy says:

    I am an ISFP/INFJ and i was wondering what careers would relate to a personality type like me.

  20. Donna Dunning says:

    Hi Lizzy, Thanks for your question. Career choice is a complex process, during which it helps to consider your interests, skills, values, constraints, and lifestyle as well as your personality type preferences. There are list of occupations which attract people with certain personality types (In other words, they show up there more often than you would expect from their numbers in the population). These list can provide a starting point for thinking about the kind of work and work activities that might suit you. ISFP and INFJ are quite different personality type patterns. According to personality type theory, people have one preferred approach. They then learn to use and develop both their preferred and non-preferred parts of their personality type around that core approach. Here is a link to more information on careers for INFJs: https://www.dunning.ca/category/personality-type-2/visionaries and here is a link for ISFPs: https://www.dunning.ca/category/personality-type-2/enhancers

    I recommend having your personality type preferences validated by someone who is skilled in helping people figure out their best-fit type. Sometimes when we complete an indicator that “tells us” our type we can be swayed by what we think we should be or do. For more information, see this post: https://www.dunning.ca/blog/why-validate-your-type

  21. Margo says:

    My best friend is an INFJ (I am an INTP/INTJ) and currently she has been miserable with her school life. We live on opposite sides of the country so its not as if I can visit her and provide comfort. I don’t know how to relate to her on an emotional level, I just seem to make things worse when I try and lighten up the mood. How can I make conversations a bit more breathable for her?

  22. Donna Dunning says:

    Hi Margo, It is tough to try to help your friend long distance. From my understanding and experience, people who prefer INFJs want meaningful, personal, one-to-one communication. Under stress, she may find your efforts to lighten the mood as simply dismissing, avoiding or minimizing her struggle. Here are some ideas that might work. Keep in touch regularly. Let her talk about her struggles and acknowledge her feelings. Don’t offer any solutions, as she will likely want to come up with these herself. Rather just be there to listen and support her. Let her know you care about her and care about how she is doing. This, in itself, will help. Notice dates, events, or deadlines that are particularly stressful or meaningful for her and drop her a supportive text or e-mail at those times. Tell her you want to support her and admit you aren’t sure of how to do that. People who prefer INFJ tend to appreciate someone being honest and genuine.

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